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| This week has seemed to come and go, but it has been a very good week. I have received an overwhelming amount of peace. The Lord is good and faithful. I'm very thankful for Julee. I usually don't write about her in this, I have a personal journal that I record all my "personal" thoughts in. This always feels like more of a public forum type of thing. I always thought it silly to have an online blog and not want or expect people to read it. I guess I'm just thankful because I feel like we've coasted from, good friends, dating, to now I feel like she is my best friend. I mean whether it be the subtle quizs at walmart or a list of my favorite things, we're really beginning to learn one another. I'm just grateful for the reassurance of a friend like that. In a turn of events opportunities have presented themselves and have me considering the summer and what will happen. I want to tour, go to NY, see family...who knows. I'm just trusting the Lord.
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| After spending the day with Rich, I'm left with many thoughts. I was laying in the aisle of a Barnes and Nobel, each book case towering over me like a wall. My eyes wondered reading the titles of each book, "90 Minutes In Heaven","Future Grace","Atheism: A Response", and so on and so. I had to wonder was it helping, is the kingdom advancing. Then my apathy made me angry, I mean all of us ask these questions. What am I doing, am I just another disgruntled church goer, or am I just heavy hearted? We drove back and I just listened to Ascend The Hill, and I felt sincerity in their music. It had my mind racing. Later in the evening I watched, "Audience Of One" and it to had my mind going. It all landed me into a conversation in a car. The thought went from the big picture, to the little picture of working on my life. These things should be a challenge for my life, and inspire me to be a better Christian. I know there are things I need to do for her, and in doing so serve Christ. My life is so swamped with so much, and I need to get ahold of things. Grace & peace, to God be the glory.
(Ascend The Hill puts out all there tunes for free you should check em out here: http://www.myspace.com/ascendthehill)
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| This morning I woke up with a dreadful feeling. I debated leaving the room and heading any where. I thought about how I use to run to Iowa to get away. Daniel was such an encourager in how he just let me come and chill. I headed to shower and get ready for the day. I began to speak...to pray, asking God for clarity and direction. It's awful when you feel like the antagonist to someones story. God basically told me to shut up. I remembered the words to a song by Further Seems Forever, "You know me better than I do...it's better if You lead the way." I basically realized all I can do is choose to lean on Christ. I walked back to my room mulling over the whole concept of a heart issue and what I should do. I just plopped down and read my Bible. I continued to pray and just sought comfort. You know I don't know what today brings, maybe sorrow and hardship, who knows? But life is so rich and deep and full of opportunity. I just want to see His kingdom grow, and I just want to trust. This car ride with Rich should prove to be much needed. Thank goodness for breaks, I don't think fall break could come any sooner.
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| As of late my mind is circling in thought. I am finishing one of the busiest weeks, it's been testing and hard. I've really been into Donald Miller's new book lately. So much about how a story takes it's shape. His words are like that of an old friend that I haven't seen for such a long time. Between his words and a song by Minus The Bear. In the song it tells a story of friends speaking in the conversation this is where the vocalist carries the listener, "You said, 'My life is like a bad movie.' and I said, 'That's true for all of us.'" Whether it's a thought that drains all of the color, or the exhaustion of not being able to rest. I've been looking forward to this Monday for a week now, and I just feel defeated. I think I may go to a park and listen...listen for that still small voice. Far too often people grip tight to everything and allow it to carry them along. I just want to be guided in the right directions. I want to be a source of comfort and encouragement, not frustration and dismay. I need God to reach down into the story and guide me as a character who faces conflict. The song, "The Fearless" by Sleep For Sleepers echos through my head phones. That gentile tingle down my spine greets me as these words play, "Like a child fighting fears, who watched his nerves come undone. Like the vultures ache for air. Even bones beneath the skin. I thirst for who you are. You are." I need direction, I hate being a jerk. I need rest, I hate waking up tired. I'm not hopeless, rather the opposite. All I see is promise, it's just getting caught up in an inciting incident. It's the part of the story where the Character is thrown into conflict, it carries the plot forward. I just want to be a supporting role, in a story much bigger than I could dream up.
"Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you." 2 Thess. 3:16
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| I'm in a peculiar mood I suppose. I think I'm learning what it means to be patient. Not in the since of sitting somewhere and waiting on someone. That for me has never really been a problem, no for me it's the larger things in life. For example waiting to go ahead and move across country to a school you've never been to, with the notion of spending money you don't have, rather than waiting and saving. I've always been one way or the other on things. Some times I'm slow and I consider all the outcomes...yet other times I run throwing caution to the wind.
Yesterday was a long day. I spoke at Winigan as usual, then at night I spoke at Salisbury First Baptist. I realized I loved it. It made me think about what my life will look like in a few years. Am I gonna be traveling and speaking? Julee seems to think I'll write a book. That's an interesting thought for sure. I've always wanted to write. I remember meeting Brennan Manning in high school and I loved his warm words. Then my senior year I became aquainted with Donald Miller. I love his works even to this day, and it has been several years since I've read them. He has a brand new book that I really really really want to read called, "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years." After Miller came Cymbala then many others. I hadn't loved a book like Miller's till I came across Mark Driscoll's narrative on his church plant in Seattle. All of this had me wondering and thinking on what life is gonna be like. There are moments when I feel like I'm gonna be here forever and I feel old. Then there are these times I feel so very young and naive. I'm still immature. God is teaching me how to be humble, and patient. At first two years of waiting and working sounded dreadfully long. But now I see that I need it. I need to be willing to work to prove myself...I need time to tell. Why grow weary, why grow impatient...the end result is worth everything.
If things went as I had planned all along, then this may I'd be walking across a stage, shaking hands and reciving a peice of paper saying I'm qualified. But I made mistakes and now God has turned them into a chance for learning, and building realtionships. How could I have known...I couldn't have.
So here I sit, patient and ready.
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